The Jesus Juice

The Blood of Life

2009-07-23T07:46:00.000-07:00

Ah the good ole' days. Fun people, fun times, fun memories. All thanks to one invention: Box O' Wine. Its the original Jesus Juice. The epitome of youth-- 2.5 liters of wine, in a plastic tear-proof bag, stored conveniently in a box. Das Bag und un Box(testimonials).

Who among us hasn't supped from a warm bladder of chablis? Its refreshing, life giving, fun. It may be killing your liver, but its loosening up your morals without lightening your wallet. So drink it in, the blood of life! And help celebrate one of mankinds' most celebrated gifts.

We Just Want Somebody to Love

2009-07-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Seriously folks, we're not sure you understand. So we want to make it abundantly clear: Height is in the eye of the beholder.

Frustrated Video Dater Loses His Cool - Watch more Funny Videos

Botanophobia

2009-07-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

Botanophonia: Noun- The Fear of Plants.

We had no idea Christopher Walken was scared of plants. At Least he comes up creative ways of dealing with it:

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Unlike our Good Friend Dr. Tobias Funke, who suffers from Never Nude Syndrome:

Tobias, if you're out there, we feel your pain. There are literally Dozens of us. And remember, NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A CACTUS

Punch Me Harder Tubby Danza

2009-07-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

(With a face like this who wouldn't want to punch you?)

Maybe we're just jealous, but WTF? This Perez Hilton character, alias Mario Armando Lavandeira, bothers us more than a bad case of blue balls. Don't try and deny it, you know who we're talking about(for our hetero-male audience, we'll allow you to continue saying that you were "reading it with your girfriend" so you don't have to admit to following it of your own volition) He's that fat bastard who reigns on high from a cramped North Hollywood apartment passing judgment and shit-talking all things pop culture. Its a guilty pleasure--generally something lauded by TJJ-- But the threshold has been reached.

Its bad enough that we have to watch him take his shirt off every Independence day to show his "weight loss"(Nothing makes me feel so American!), but even after all of this "exercise" the guy still looks like the Michelin Man. Something tells us his "trainers" Chris & Diego are providing Perez with a different kind of "workout". Nor are we here to judge him for being overweight. We admire his desire to shed some lbs and are hopeful that it has inspired countless other Whopper eating, SUV driving Americans to put down the Chalupa and pick up a can of Ensure.

What really tickles the pickles is that he starts shit with people and can't back it up- even after all those hrs in the gym. At the Much Music Video Awards after party Perez got into it with the Black Eyed Peas from man will.i.am over remarks Perez had about bandmate Fergie on his blog. During the exchange Perez called will.i.am a "faggot"(ironic, non?) at which point the band's manager Polo Lolina punched his face in! Perez, the pudgy wuss that he his, responded in turn by crying like an infant and fleeing the scene, only later to file a civil suit for $25,000! against Molina.
So, Perez our adivce to you would be this: Hire a personal trainer who will teach you how to physically defend yourself--otherwise keep your twinkie hole shut in public, and save the shit-talking for the relative safety of your blogdom.

Newsflash from the world of women’s sports (cause we know ya’ll pay attention to that):

2009-07-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

U.S Figure Skater and former Olympian Nicole Bobek was arrested for dealing methamphetamine’s on Monday in New Jersey…

Slow down folks. I know it may be hard to stomach the fact that Nicole Bobek isn’t as cuddly as a kitten (and I fucking love kittens), but as a former participant in the cut-throat world of Women’s Ice Skating, let me shed some light on this.

These women are fucking nuts. If you think ice skating is a sorry excuse for a sport, then you clearly have not attempted a triple salchow, double toe loop combo. Seriously, these women have a workout regime that would rival Chuck Norris’ (Oh I said it) and the hormones of Medusa to boot. Fuck up your footwork/split jump and you’ve got a woman on the rampage. Run a drug ring? We’re lucky Nicole wasn’t dealing baby kidneys on the black market. That’s the kind of fucked up shit we’re talking about here.

And let’s be honest, this entire post was just an excuse to post my favorite picture of Tonya Harding.

Gorgeous. Gorgeous.

The Jesus Juice…We’re just closer to the source.

A little bit of History from the JJ

2009-07-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

Drunk History Vol. 1 - Featuring Michael Cera from Michael Cera

HOW TO ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

2009-07-07T15:16:00.000-07:00

Mick Jagger is a dumbfuck.

There. I said it. His whole sing-song is a diaperload, if you ask me. You can always get what you want. You just need to be patient, tactful, diplomatic and, not always, but sometimes, you need to slightly bend that adorable judeo-christian ethic you stick to so well!!

Unfortunately for you, the ways and means are far too lengthy to abridge into a brief page on the interwebs for you. But we can atleast get you on your way! So let's start with one of my favorite methods: the Half-Joke.

My teen years involved more than a few hours fumbling awkwardly with bra straps, stuttering for phone numbers, and generally becoming comfortable with being told "No," or in some cases "I would rather stab self in the uterus with a rusty corkscrew than let you even consider breathing on me." But hey, C'est la vie! right? Isn't that what those clever Italians always say?

Anwho, so around 26 I realized that it isn't always about directness or confidence or GHB or digging through huge piles of medical records to find out which girls are narcoleptic. There is an easier way to get ladies to do completely indecent and downright awful things that us dudes find enjoyable!! And that is the art of the half-joke (for brevity, let's just call it "the HJ" for the remainder of this post). A good HJ can be achieved through a simple 8 step process:

1) Identify your goal. Say, for argument's sake, you want an underage Japanese girl to vomit on your genitals. (I know! Gross, right? I think so, too, and totally never posted anything on Craigsist suggesting otherwise). (N.B. If you're an underage Japanese girl and you don't think that's totally gross, I'd love to meet you! Oh my God not for that AT ALL. I just think you sound super interesting. Seriously.)

2) Assess potential partners and pick your target/s (I say "target/s" because occasionally, and don't, like, quote me on this or anything, but it may take a go-around or two of these steps before you have your winner for your HJ.)

3) Get into a confined space with your potential partner (restaurants, movies, elevators, trunks of 1973 Chevy Camaros, 3'x5' cages with combination or stainless steel locks, etc.).

4) Now your HJ needs to sound like a normal joke. If you're not familiar with jokes or aren't confident in your sense of humor, watch an episode or two of one of your favorite super funny shows, like the O'Reilly Factor!!

5) This step is critical. I call it the Switcheroo. Using our example from before, say something like "Oh my God. I think Ryan Reynolds is so funny! Wouldn't it also be super funny if you regurgitated your sashimi onto my semi-erect penis!! Cuz' I think it would be hi-larious!!"

6) Carefully judge the reaction to your HJ. At the slightest hint of a smile, remove your pants and wait. You've reached the promised land.

7) If the look is more of a "horrified stare" (for lack of a better term, which there totally should be, IMHO!!) Say something like "Oh my God I was joking! Jeez, loosen up." At which point the ether soaked rag in your glove compartment will come in handy.

8) Sit back and enjoy!! Never forget that the whole point of this is to have a good time at the merciless expense of the self-respect of others, especially women!! Cuz' isn't it so cute when they're angry??

Fiendish Conspiracies Abound!!

2009-07-07T14:33:00.001-07:00

Call it more than a hunch--We here at the Jesus Juice have just confirmed from the Devil that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- dictatorial President of Iran and recently deceased(?) Pop King Michael Jackson have made a three way pact with Lucifer himself.

Ahmadinejad, faced with mounting international pressure and national upheaval in Iran due to outwardly obvious rigged election results, agreed to let the pop star steal his thunder. In exchange, the "untimely" death of the pop-star would result in massive Internet crashes and deflected media criticisms.

MJ, who was sick and tired of chronic years of bad publicity and being broke as joker, agreed to the ploy in order to reinvigorate himself in the glory of his massive international fan base and to bolster his financial stability by dominating record sales--the likes of which he hasn't experienced since the original release of Thriller.

To date, the conspiracy has experienced tremendous results. The Internet crashed for hours with the news of Jackson's death, disabling Iranian protesters from communicating via Facebook and Twitter. This bought Ahmadinejad the time he needed to swiftly and fiercely arrest his opposition's key leaders and to silence the uprising, while the western world turned a blind eye in order to grieve the loss of their iconic pop star.
Jackson's career, meanwhile, is a postmortem boom town: currently dominating the top 10 selling products on Amazon.com, a soldout Memorial at the Staples Center in LA, and the tears of bereaved fans around the globe.

We here at the The Jesus Juice have consorted with the devil on many occasions and have maintained a close relationship with him to date; enabling us to get the scoop. When asked what was in it for him, the devil offered no comment, but he then went on to say, "You've been struck by a Smooth Criminal!"

2009-07-07T14:23:00.001-07:00

Dropping Knowledge

2009-07-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

In the interest of promoting international relations (and stopping the fuckery that is British vocabulary) TJJ would like to clear up a question from the ages:

1 stone = 6.35 kilograms = 14 lbs.

Uses:

“I lost 2 stone in a week with Dexatrim” = I lost 28 pounds inhaling pure ephedrine

“Kirstie Alley gained 3 stone 4 after appearing on Oprah” = Kirstie Alley eats small horses for dinner and therefore gained 46 pounds. (tricky here: 3 stone= 42 lbs. plus 4 more)

It’s also fun for word play:

“I got stoned and ate a stone of pizza”
“Mick Jagger looks like he’s lost some rolling stones”

Now you try! See? Learning is fun.

Mr. Barry won't you please be my Stalker.

2009-07-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

What in the Sam Hell is wrong with Marion Barry?? The former mayor of Washington, D.C. gained his infamous reputation after serving six months in Federal prison after being caught in a sting operation for the possession and use of crack cocaine. In October 2005, a 71 year old Marion tested positive for marijuana and cocaine in a court ordered drug test. Barry, who returned to the mayoral office from 1995-1999 and currently serves as a city councilmen, apparently has some new tricks up his sleeve.

Why So glum, Barry?

Over the July 4th weekend, Barry was arrested and charged w Stalking.. Yes STALKING his former female companion, a Miss Donna Watts-Brighthaupt. The same Miss Watts-Brighthaupt for whom in January of this year Mr Barry purportedly bought an $800 fur coat, despite working to pay off $277,000 IN BACK TAXES.

(Mayor Marion Barry, pictured right, with one of his party pals.)

While we here at The Jesus Juice find this to be reprehensible (if not unexpected) behavior from any public servant, we'd like to offer this: LET HE WHO HATH NOT PERSONAL VICE, CRAZED AND POTENTIALLY DRUG FUELED INFATUATIONS WITH FORMER LOVERS, OR WHO HATH NEVER OWED A FEW $DOLLA$$ AROUND TOWN WHILE TRYING TO BUY YOUR LADY FRIEND A FUR COAT-- CAST THE FIRST STONE. Thats what we thought, beeetches!

The Cribbage Match

2009-07-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE LOVES HARRY POTTER. Its a law of the Cosmos. So when we saw this voice over play-by-play of the Cribbage match, which sucspiciously sounds like it was narrated by Grandpa Munster:

We were hooked!
A classic in the making. Now thats The Jesus Juice--ya heard?

The Curious Case of Loretta Lynn

2009-07-01T11:11:00.000-07:00

The folks at Jesus Juice are big fans of quirky contradictions but, damn Loretta, why you gotta hate on home wreckers AND divorced women? “It's wrong to judge every picture if a cheap camera makes a mistake”? Now that’s just irresponsible consumerism. I don’t know what kind of home ec class you took over there in coal country, but we fear that pretty soon you’ll be spitting out new and improved recipes for chicken livers and chitlins. And the last thing we need are the masses exiting the Cracker Barrel, uttering “I would never eat here”.

Cap't Tying Knots

2009-07-01T09:38:00.000-07:00

Look at you..Capt Tying knots..What you think everytime someone needs some knots tied they come to You? No Way! No Way!

This little gem is pretty hilar(see abbr. for hilarious). We're guessing he's watching tv, most likely on drugs. But who knows, we sure as shit aren't omniscient! Our sentiments are best summed up by Tim McGraw, " I like, I love it, I want some more of it."

That is all.

Can I get a Witness!!

2009-07-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

We Here at The Jesus Juice are dedicated to wasting time with a shit eating grin on your face. If you've got time to waste--whether its at work(like us) at school, the library,Starbucks, the Apple Store--you might as well make the least of it. Hence, The Jesus Juice. Come get your daily dispensation!