HOW TO ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

Mick Jagger is a dumbfuck.

There. I said it. His whole sing-song is a diaperload, if you ask me. You can always get what you want. You just need to be patient, tactful, diplomatic and, not always, but sometimes, you need to slightly bend that adorable judeo-christian ethic you stick to so well!!

Unfortunately for you, the ways and means are far too lengthy to abridge into a brief page on the interwebs for you. But we can atleast get you on your way! So let's start with one of my favorite methods: the Half-Joke.

My teen years involved more than a few hours fumbling awkwardly with bra straps, stuttering for phone numbers, and generally becoming comfortable with being told "No," or in some cases "I would rather stab self in the uterus with a rusty corkscrew than let you even consider breathing on me." But hey, C'est la vie! right? Isn't that what those clever Italians always say?

Anwho, so around 26 I realized that it isn't always about directness or confidence or GHB or digging through huge piles of medical records to find out which girls are narcoleptic. There is an easier way to get ladies to do completely indecent and downright awful things that us dudes find enjoyable!! And that is the art of the half-joke (for brevity, let's just call it "the HJ" for the remainder of this post). A good HJ can be achieved through a simple 8 step process:

1) Identify your goal. Say, for argument's sake, you want an underage Japanese girl to vomit on your genitals. (I know! Gross, right? I think so, too, and totally never posted anything on Craigsist suggesting otherwise). (N.B. If you're an underage Japanese girl and you don't think that's totally gross, I'd love to meet you! Oh my God not for that AT ALL. I just think you sound super interesting. Seriously.)

2) Assess potential partners and pick your target/s (I say "target/s" because occasionally, and don't, like, quote me on this or anything, but it may take a go-around or two of these steps before you have your winner for your HJ.)

3) Get into a confined space with your potential partner (restaurants, movies, elevators, trunks of 1973 Chevy Camaros, 3'x5' cages with combination or stainless steel locks, etc.).

4) Now your HJ needs to sound like a normal joke. If you're not familiar with jokes or aren't confident in your sense of humor, watch an episode or two of one of your favorite super funny shows, like the O'Reilly Factor!!

5) This step is critical. I call it the Switcheroo. Using our example from before, say something like "Oh my God. I think Ryan Reynolds is so funny! Wouldn't it also be super funny if you regurgitated your sashimi onto my semi-erect penis!! Cuz' I think it would be hi-larious!!"

6) Carefully judge the reaction to your HJ. At the slightest hint of a smile, remove your pants and wait. You've reached the promised land.

7) If the look is more of a "horrified stare" (for lack of a better term, which there totally should be, IMHO!!) Say something like "Oh my God I was joking! Jeez, loosen up." At which point the ether soaked rag in your glove compartment will come in handy.

8) Sit back and enjoy!! Never forget that the whole point of this is to have a good time at the merciless expense of the self-respect of others, especially women!! Cuz' isn't it so cute when they're angry??